Actions speak louder than words? I think not.

Heat of the moment.
say what you're thinking.
but do you ever realize...

Words have the power to completely ruin someone.
They can tear people down in a matter of seconds.

irreversible damage.

I would know because I've been there.

An opinion can be powerful.
Yours can be more powerful to someone than you ever thought possible.
And it can stick with them long after you're gone.

So are you reckless with it?

No matter how many "I'm sorry"s or "I didn't mean it"s come after.. the crack in the glass has already been made.
And you can't un-fracture glass.
It cannot heal like a bone.
And after that first crack, you will never be able to remove the glass without it splitting right in half...or shattering into a million pieces..

So the crack stays there.
Not concealed, but hopefully ignored. Distorting your vision only slightly.
Not forgotten, but hopefully misplaced.

That is, until something strikes it again. Making the crack just a fraction bigger.
Slowly growing.
Slowly...preparing to shatter with each new hit.


Just because you weren't the cause of its existence, doesn't mean you won't be the final blow that causes it to finally give way.

That does not mean your one, careless opinion cannot break a person entirely.

So maybe.. we should start thinking just a little more before we speak.
Before we've said something because of passionate feelings that we cannot undo even with our most fervent efforts..

before we tear someone down beyond repair...

...before we make them feel like little pieces of a whole that once was.. but never will be again.

A greater power than we can predict/Hath thwarted our intents

Does anyone out there know how it feels to ruin everything they touch..
To take every good thing they've been given and just mess it all up beyond repair?
To be the sole cause of destruction to your own happiness?

You're handed it. You know you don't deserve it.
But don't dare to think about why you received this good fortune, out of pure fear of the universe realizing the awful mistake its made and correcting it before you can enjoy what was never rightfully yours to begin with.

So you go along. Trying to fit in places you don't belong. Trying to mold to fill the cracks your luck might seep through and escape from. Trying to be someone better than you've ever been able to be in the past.

..and trying to fool the universe into letting you hold onto this privilege that you never truly earned in the first place.

And you always tell yourself.. 'I'll take anything..anything you're willing to give me I'll take it and be happy and when its gone I'll give it back gratefully and remember how lucky I was to have it.."

but that's never how it works out is it..

You think you can let go. You think it will be easy to set free.. because you were never even meant to reach for it.. much less to hold it in your very own two hands.. so close you can feel the warmth and happiness it radiates.

You think that when the time comes, you will be humbled enough to release this amazing thing..because, although its everything you never even thought you could dream of, it still deserves a better keeper than you.

A place for everything and everything in it's place.

Funny how that means something so different when you're looking up at something from below.

Too selfish to let go. Your sense of vision too blinded by the beauty of this thing you hold to realize it does not belong to you.. no matter what you have convinced yourself of.. no matter what you have mistaken as truth.. it was never yours to claim for good.

How I wish anyone just knows what I am talking about. Not through experience. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. But at least through an opened mind.. that they could see how anyone could feel this way.

And this may seem horrid and depressing, but anyone who tries to deny the truth behind this has never experienced the feeling of watching something special disintegrate right in front of their eyes, caused by their own hand.. and yet, ironically, there is no longer anything they can do to stop it.

People may not have even realized they experienced it, but its everywhere. Real life, movies, tv, writings from ancient times. It's the typical tragedy. Romeo and Juliet. We've all seen its manifestations at one point or another.. But who has really seen it.. who felt along with the characters of such tragedies? Who felt the helplessness.. the defeat.. the utter pain of an inability to act to fix something you have caused.. that you never intended.

But, you see, no matter the turmoil and pain caused by such events, where we receive something that should never have been ours, we are blinded by the beauty of this thing. We love it so dearly, that even once whats done is done.. we can't let go of our feelings for it.. and, thus, our hearts follow it..

"Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath/Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty.

...Thus, with a kiss, I die."

Their arrival into any moment brings a light to hold onto, to shine the way

My refreshment is soooo close I can feel it.

Finally.

I can't wait. It simply cannot come soon enough now.
Definitely something I need.

I have the feeling to jump into bed, pull the covers up, and sleep until its time. Just like when Christmas morning was awaiting on the other side of the darkness when I was a child. And we all know, sleeping through that night is never easy, but you're never frustrated with the thoughts that are keeping you up, even if they're extending your wait.

My grown-up Christmas morning awaits.

Don't you worry, pretty girl

I'm really trying very hard.
But there are nights that I am dangerously close to my last straw with certain situations I'm put in.

It's not that I want to get there.. but its also not my choice.. or my doing.
And if people don't think I have a breaking point..they are very mistaken..
There are only so many things I can take before its all too much.

And I'm not as afraid as I may seem.


Just putting that out there.

Senseless complaints lead to nothing good.. but I'm gunna do it anyway.

DISCLAIMER: This really is just me complaining, feel free to skip it entirely if you'd like.

So I'm sick again. The EXACT same sickness I get every single summer. Don't we think its time to let me get my tonsils out when they're infected with the exact same, unidentifiable illness EVERY. SINGLE. SUMMER....... No one can figure out what it is.. No one can treat it.. I just always have to let it go away on its on. Which, the last few times, has taken weeks...
So this leaves me with the question, why not just take them out and prevent me from going through this every. single. summer.?
Its getting kind of ridiculous now.
And quite frankly, it grosses me out.

To add to getting sick, I got rear ended on my way home from work yesterday too. And not like, a light tap.. one of my more startling experiences. It was interesting to me that Dani and my mom were the only ones I told who asked if I was ok.. hm.
Its interesting how some can get so caught up in their own lives that they don't have the time of day for you sometimes. Even when it really counts..

I think I've been much better lately. I've been actively trying anyway. But some people just do not help. No matter your personal efforts to understand parts of it, they just sail along, head in the clouds, paying attention to no one and nothing other than what they want and what makes them happy. You could tell these people how you feel, and although they understand it, and would never want to go through the same (knowing you would never do that anyway), and they would just say "sorry you feel that way, but im doing it anyway"
Translation: I'm saying sorry because that's what I was taught to do, but I really don't care what you want, because you'll get over it.

yea great thanks.
how many times I've gotten that in the last few months I can't even tell you.
And, interestingly enough, you don't just get over it.

but they do.

I don't say anything in this world just to hear myself talk (especially because I hate the sound of my own voice). So I would REALLY like to be taken seriously. Maybe partially its my own fault. Everyone knows I'm kidding more often than not. But at the same time, I feel like its kind of obvious when I'm definitely not. When I'm truly concerned with something. When something is really, truly eating at me. And I'd really like that to translate to something that matters to someone else. But lately it hasn't been anything of the sort. I voice my concerns and yet, they are basically brushed off. Because I'm forgiving, and even self-sacrificing, sometimes, just for the happiness of others. And I really think that gets taken advantage of. Like, "well I know she'll let it go, I know an apology will be accepted, and there's really nothing she can do about it, so I'll pretend hurting her hurts me, and then do it anyway" And with that line of thinking, who can blame them for doing it right.....

wrong :(

Times like this I feel very taken advantage of. Being a genuine person, someone who leaves it all out there.. isn't easy in times lke this. Just because I put my whole self into things..doesn't mean I'm not scared or vulnerable. Which I guess is often how it comes off.
But that really isn't the case..

If anyone reading this ever considers becoming the person who lifts the happiness of certain others over their own, even if it means getting taken for granted; if you want to be the person who brushes things off on the outside, so people don't think you're hurting over things - heed my warning, its not necessarily worth it.
Because the thought that you can escape the disappointments and heartaches you feel because of others, is really just a myth.
You can't hide it forever. It will build on top of itself and eventually become unmanageable. And when you feel it building, like I do now.. it's already too late.


But all this really means is nothing. Because I know I'm not just going to become someone other than who I am, in this aspect at least. Its too ingrained in me at this point. Kind of just what happens when I care about people, not really much I can do about it. I've always gotten to that point where their happiness is above mine.. where its become inescapable, and, one time, dangerous. And yes, there are times when I'll fight it, but I seem to almost always eventually give in. Because I'd rather that, then something worse. Even the times my fears have been proven right I couldn't hold onto the grudge. Where trust is lost by an action, somehow I'm the one who ends up feeling bad.. even though I did nothing at all..
That part needs to change at least.

So much rambling. time to end it. I'm gunna go watch some soccer.

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Is it wrong of me to be disappointed?

Yes..probably.
No.. it's definitely not ok to be disappointed.

I just get so sick of the expectations where the actions always fall short. It's wrong of me to want this, its selfish, but I can't help it. I try really hard, but it doesn't work. And the expectations are my fault too. Buuuut how do I get past it?

On another, possibly different, note, I've thought some things over in the past..some still relevant, some not..and I wrote it down. So I thought I'd add it here.

What happened to make
the people you trusted, ones you'll never confide in again
the ones you saw everyday, people you hardly know anymore

Where did the time go?
Where did the general conscience go?

How did the ones you thought would have your back, become the people who'd rather save themselves?
How did the things you were so sure about, end up being the things that surprised you the most?
How can the things that seemed so right at the time, turn out so unpredictably, horribly wrong?

And then, when did all of this..disappointment (if you will), turn into blaming the wrong people for other peoples' mistakes?
Its not fair to those who never did anything to deserve that aftershock of your past experiences.
Why do we let it take over and How do we let go..

Hasn't something surrounding these thoughts of blindsided change been the issue at hand for everyone at some time in their lives? Multiple times in their lives?

No matter what, it all surrounds change.

Or, does it also surround faulty expectations?

Believing in something more of any given person than they find themselves capable of.
It's not always about who people change into. It's who they've always held the possibility of becoming..and we just didn't see it.
Were you supposed to know, or just trust they'd change accordingly to who you thought they were?
However, it's also not the constant situation, its the ever-changing one. Which, when you think about it, defines all of them I guess. So that's redundant.
So why do we even bother to expect things, when there is nothing we can possibly anticipate for any sort of elongated period of time due to these (arguably) unforeseeable changes?

Because with expectations can come optimism, which is, when you get right down to it, some philosophers academic explanation for a feeling so simple: Hope.

Nothing is constant. Nothing can stay the same forever. Things can change for better or for worse, but what decides where that change leads?
When does it become too much change to see what it once was? Good, bad, regardless.

How far do you go, how much do you accept, before it's just too much?
And when is it time to walk away?

Relate to this how you want, because it will be different for everyone, and still, it will be different for you by tomorrow probably.

The conflict of change surrounds and affects us all.
However, do not forget that the changes that lead to disappointment or sadness or anger, can also have the exact and equal chance of changing in the opposing way. Surprising in the best of ways.
And, over time, probably will.
The fluctuating circumstance.
Not all things good will stay good.
But also, not all things bad will stay that way either.
Where bad things become worse, good things will become great.

I don't think this enhanced anyone's knowledge in any way. It's mainly senseless rambling with minor additions and subtractions over a month or two. I was just kind of writing. Writing to say something. Writing to relate. Writing so that maybe someone out there who needs it, reads it and will realize that things do not always have to stay this way. Or maybe for someone who needs to see that some things are just out of our control, and there was nothing they could have done. Writing to get words said that will never be spoken. If only because they have no forum to be spoken in.

Yeah, why not

So this marks my first blog post. I never thought I'd get into this forum again after xanga, but I guess its a better place to display my ramblings than on Facebook. Sooo here goes nothing I guess.

I have nothing in particular to write right now, which will probably mean this turns into something I'm not very proud of - hence why its placed where relatively no one will read it. It's day something of summer, I've lost count already (please let me go back to San Diego). The summer started out and progressed into what looked like it would be monotonous repetition of being entirely unproductive. However, in about two days things went from completely dull and unpromising to more hectic than I'm thinking I can manage. Hopefully it all settles into routine soon. At least Arizona is only ten days away :) That'll be refreshing to say the very least.

I've never been good at this long distance thing. However, its been a part, at one point or another, of my last three relationships. But, not surprisingly, this time is very distinguishably different. This is the first time there's been genuine effort on both sides..and not just for my sake, but its just honest.. and its changed the dynamic of distance for me.. and I appreciate him a lot more for it. I didn't doubt that the summer wouldn't come between us, but having this reassurance is just comforting. I feel heard. I feel loved. And, after today, I'm going to be much better and much stronger.